DEFINITION

If someone were to ask someone else about this one person, they’d say, “Oh yeah, he’s the dude that’s part of that dance group!”

If someone were to ask about someone else, they’d say, “Oh yeah, he’s the dude that’s writing a book!”

If someone were to ask about somebody else, they’d say, “Oh yeah, he’s part of a band!”

If someone were you ask you about me, they’d say, “Ummmmmm…”

Whenever I ask myself about myself, I honestly would say the same thing.

For a while now, I’ve been thinking about how am I defined, how do I define myself, and after asking myself that, I still can’t come up with a legit answer. I try all these different things in aspirations of that one thing to define me. But to no avail…

I tried to listen to a certain type of music, only to find that although I like it, it’s not who I am. I still listen to that music to this day, but it’s not me. I try to dress a certain way. I buy expensive clothes and shoes, only to find other people dressing the same. I still wear those clothes and shoes, but it’s not me. I tried to rock a certain type of jewelry, only to find that although not being able to size up to the size I wanted was real annoying, even if I was able to, it wouldn’t be me. These, plus other things, have been attempted at trying to help myself get defined and the result was failure and just even more digging myself deeper into the crowd.

I don’t mean to sound like I want to be the center of attention or anything, but I just want someone to be able to answer the question about me without hesitation.

If anything there are probably two things in my life that came close: skateboarding and World of Warcraft.

I skateboard now, but I wouldn’t consider myself a skateboarder like how I did when I was in 6th grade-Freshman year of high school. I would skate everyday. I would be so determined and wouldn’t care what anyone else thinks. I wouldn’t be scared to do certain tricks or jump off things. Skateboarding was what I lived for and breathed for. Now, all those things are out of the door and into the mud. I don’t have the time or the energy to skate everyday. I kinda have that self-conscious tickle in my mind because I’m a bit bigger than before and may not look natural on a board.  I could swear that I live and breath for it now, but in actuality, there’s just too much other stuff to live and breath for right now.  I don’t have the time to be determined or go out to certain spots and have fun with it.  I’m trying my best to make it who I am today, but it’s a longgggggggggg road ahead of me. I always say that if I wouldn’t have stopped, skateboarding would’ve DEFINATELY DEFINED me today. But that’s not the case and can only be considered as wishful thinking…

The next thing would have been being a warlock on World of Warcraft, the video game that’s mostly related to crack. As sad as that sounds, it’s the truth.  People in that game knew me as a warlock and that was who I was to them. They may not have known the real me, but it was enough to be known. I was an affiction specced warlock for the guild and I was the one with the DoTs (just act like you know). My guildmates would look for me if they needed a person with DoTs. I was that guy. But then, reality sets in and breaks the news to me that it’s just a game. After some some other realizations, I had to leave the game. I came back a couple more times to get the feeling, but the feeling had soon diminished.

I am now back to where I was and, quite possibly, where I’ll be for a while…

If someone were to ask about someone else about this one person, they’d say, “Oh yeah, he’s the dude that works out!”

If someone were to ask about somebody else, they’d say, “Oh yeah, she’s the girl that’s studying to be a nurse!”

If someone were to ask about someone else, they’d say, “Oh yeah, he’s the dude that’s serving our country!”

You see, it’s not about being conceited at all. It’s not that I wanna be well known or, like I said earlier, not to be the center of attention. I just want to stand out from the crowd and be seen as “the dude who…” I want to be able to distinguish myself from others.

If someone were to ask about someone else about this one person, they’d say, “Oh yeah, he’s the dude that plays guitar for the retreats!”

If someone were to ask about someone else, they’d say, “Oh yeah, he’s the dude that raps!”

If someone were to ask about someone else, they’d say, “Oh yeah, she’s the girl who’s a Rockstar!”

If someone were to ask about me, they’d say, “Ummmmmmm….”

Merriam-Webster’s dictionary define definition as “a statement expressing the essential nature of something.”  

Almost everyone I know has found their essential nature.  Me, I’m still searching for mine….

Peace, Love, Skate.

-theARNSKI

~ by theARNSKI on March 18, 2008.